Speculum
by Zukinichan
Summary: That mask he wears is just a way to hide who he really is. But in the mirror, in the speculum in the night, the savage underneath is revealed. All he wanted to know--who was he? Allen centric, 3rd chapter by request
1. Speculum

Speculum

Summary: That mask he wears is just a way to hide who he really is. But in the mirror, in the speculum in the night, the savage underneath is revealed. All he wanted to know--who was he? Allen centric, one-shot unless people want it to be longer

One of those insane-angsty Allen-fics, so uh…yeah, it's weird. Um…yay for weirdness? I don't own D. Gray-Man, so don't eat me cuz I never said I did. It belongs to Katsura Hoshino respectively. No flames please, but constructive criticism and comments are welcome. Nowwwwwww…begin!

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Allen shivered as he felt a chill run down his spine. It was 2:00 AM, but he couldn't sleep. There was a strange presence he felt keeping him awake--not an akuma, something else, something different, something…strange. Sitting up, the teenage exorcist listened and heard a slight whisper from the corner of the room.

"You killed him, you killed him…you killed your father, you killed Mana Walker…you're a murderer…" Allen's eyes widened as he stood up, and as his feet touched the ground, the floor creaked. With no light but the moon illuminating his room, he wandered blindly around his room in the darkness. The whispers continued, repeating the same lines over and over again. As Allen walked to the mirror, he first noticed the strange shadow behind him. He had noticed it was there every time he looked in the mirror, but that didn't startle him as much as something else--the person looking back at him in the mirror was seemingly…devilish. Allen took a step back, but before he could move any further, he saw the reflection move first.

"Allen, look at me." The figure in the mirror demanded. Gasping, the exorcist looked at the mirror again, gently touching it with his fingers.

"Who--what are you?" Allen inquired as the figure in the mirror stood there, smirking at him.

"My, after 15 years you still can't recognize your own reflection?"

"You. Are. Not. Me." Allen emphasized every word, the reflection sporting a demonic grin.

"Aww, you really think so? I'm the real you, the one you keep locked inside while you wear that clownish mask of yours." Allen looked down at himself, looking at his hands, the looked back at the mirror.

Was he really a demon, like that monster looking back at him? That's what everyone had told him when he was young, even his parents who had cast him away at such a young age. It was because of his arm--that wretched arm, the deformity that changed what everyone thought of him. _That_ was why everyone considered him a monster. That was, until Mana came. Mana had convinced him that God doesn't make mistakes, and everything happens for a reason. Mana, who he considered his father, had accepted him, and told him that nothing was wrong with him. Allen had truly begun to believe that view, until that blood-red deformity had killed his father. For Allen, witnessing Mana's death once was bad enough, but the second time, at his own hands the second, was much more traumatizing. And he had his eye and his arm to keep reminding him, to keep reminding him that he was a murderer, that he killed his father.

"You're _not _me. I gave up that side of myself. I don't hate humans anymore; I have both the akuma and my friends to keep me living and to give me purpose." Allen stated defiantly, looking back into the reflection. Smirking again, the reflection slightly chuckled and crossed his arms. Allen crossed his arms back at him, gazing into the empty silver eyes of his so-called reflection.

"You know you still don't trust them, you're living a lie. You fear humans, you fear for your life. You're a **coward, **and that mask you wear is eventually going to break." The last words echoed in the room, the reflection's mouth twisting into a sinister grin. Allen frowned at this: _What had he to deny? _It was the truth--humans still frightened him, they had tortured and abused him, and they still scared him to no ends. It was hard for him to trust even the people at the Order at first, but he had learned through friendship. Of course, he could trust those people. But they were a little number in the world.

It was a funny coincidence how Allen's form of Innocence emphasized his fake side, and how it harbored a mask. He had been hiding behind that clownish smile the last years of his life. He had been living a lie ever since Mana had died.

"And oh, Allen, how you worry…how you cry every night, how you break down when nobody is looking…no one ever loved you Allen, they're all as fake as you are," Allen swallowed hard, trying to respond, even as he felt as though knives were stabbing his throat and cutting off all source of air.

"Sh…shut up! Mana loved me! And…Lenalee…and Lavi…and…all the people here…they…"

"Foolish child, Mana never loved you,"

"SHUT UP!" Allen couldn't take it anymore, he found himself yelling. "Mana loved me like his own son! No one else would even look at me, but he saved me!" _Why _was he yelling? Who was there to begin with--was it all in his imagination? Was he honestly just yelling at himself, at his reflection in the mirror? But what if it was right? What if no one had truly ever loved him?

Falling to his knees, he began shaking and felt a lone tear trickle down his cheek. "Stop it Allen, stop it!" he yelled at himself for his foolish thoughts, "Mana loved me, he loved me, and I have friends here! They…they care for me, too…" his yells turned to sobs as he looked back up to the reflection. Brushing his snow-white hair out of his face, he stared into the mirror. It was just a normal reflection again, with Allen crumbled on the floor and tears staining his pale cheeks. Moving closer, Allen took a better look, his own icy-grey eyes piercing his heart.

"Where did you go?" Just when Allen thought he had calmed down, he felt his voice begin to crescendo again. Slamming his fists against the mirror, it slightly cracked and he pulled his hands away to see blood on his knuckles. Standing up, he looked closely at his reflection. No signs of that devil, just the nervous, insane Allen. Punching the mirror again, it shattered across the floor, the sparkling pieces showing his mirror image broken among the scattered pieces.

"_Sorry, I'm still here!" _a maniacal laugh echoed around the room.

"Leave me ALONE!" the exorcist screamed, tugging at his hair. "Leave me!" he stomped on the pieces of the mirror, crunching them under his feet. As he heard a second laugh, he suddenly stopped and looked at his hands. _Why _was he doing this? Who was he yelling at? Noticing how much he was trembling, he felt more tears fall down his face. _I must be crazy! I've been yelling at myself this whole time, I'm not hurting anyone but myself, not getting rid of anything at all…_he collapsed to his knees once again, shivered and throwing his hands to the floor. As soon as he thought it was over, another voice rang in his mind.

"What is wrong with me?! These voices I hear are all around me, they're everywhere!" One voice had left him; another one had entered his mind. This time, the voice wasn't his own, but it was eerily familiar.

_Never-ending, through the light_

_The nightingale sings among the night_

_Serenading gently in its flight_

_It whistles, "Hush little baby, it'll be alright."_

Over and over it echoed, giving Allen a sense of nostalgia. But why, what was so comforting about it? It was something his mother sang, in that sweet voice of hers, when he used to cry. It must have been fake, because it was that same mother who decided to drop him off in a random alleyway and never return. The voice was beautiful yet haunting, letting nightmares of the past flow into Allen's head.

"Stop, stop!" Allen screamed at the top of his lungs, even knowing it would wake everyone this time. The first ones to rush to his door were Lenalee and Lavi, who immediately barged in and ran to his side. They had no idea what he was screaming for, but Lenalee rubbed his back trying to coax him. What was wrong with him? Why was his reflection so evil, and why was his mother's voice here?

"L-Lenalee…Lavi…there's a voice…a song…a mirror…"

"A song?" Lavi and Lenalee looked at eachother confused; neither of them heard the tune that rang through their friend's mind.

"Allen, please stop screaming!" Lenalee looked at the shattered mirror as she spoke, looking at Allen's bloodstained hands after.

"Hey, Allen, everything's gonna be alright, just calm down now, okay?" Lavi pat Allen's back and tried to reassure him with his optimistic tone.

"I…I know I'm a monster! I know, I know!" he continued to yell, trying to control himself, but nothing could stop the voices. "The voices…the song, it won't stop, it won't leave me!"

"Allen, listen to me! Please, calm down!" Allen looked at his friends' worried face and ended his cries into sobs, crying out for love, for someone to accept him. "Please…please…"

"I'm a monster…I'm a monster…I killed my own father…" he whispered in between sobs.

"You're not a monster! We…we care for you, all of us." Lenalee rubbed Allen's back, wiping his tears.

"Yeah, we all love you here! Even grumpy old Yuu-chan…" Lavi smiled at his friend, and their words finally got to the traumatized teen.

Then it hit him.

_They love the mask you wear. Not you. They don't even know you._


	2. My Cross To Bear

Speculum

Summary: That mask he wears is just a way to hide who he really is. But in the mirror, in the speculum in the night, the savage underneath is revealed. All he wanted to know--who was he? Allen centric, chapter two up by request!!

Um…I don't own D. Gray Man…I didn't really know how to continue, so I tried, but it's probably not anywhere near as good as the first chapter. But I'll turn this into a longer story now cuz I have later ideas :3 Uh…this is sort of AU, since it takes place sometime after the Ark incident…and Howard Link would be supervising Allen and the Generals would be there…and I don't believe it was anywhere near Christmas, so……whatever. This chapter is like a revival chapter where he's not all insane, but don't worry, plenty of insane goodness will ensue in the next chapter! Sorry I took so long, I also need to update my other story…once again, SORRY!!

Also: There is slight LenaleexAllen here, but it's nothing big. If you don't like the couple, I don't think it's something that should affect the story, I wanted to portray them as very close friends more than anything…

**Chapter Two: My Cross to Bear**

It had been a week, and Lenalee and Lavi still kept a close watch on Allen. Neither of them could bear to see their friend suffering. Still, in their efforts, Allen did not want anyone to worry.

"Please, don't worry about me! I'm fine, really." Allen had forced that fake smile. _But who would believe it? Certainly it's not normal for people to hear voices and songs in their head like I did…I just…can't have them worrying about me. _It was not until a week or so later that things began to go back to normal, and Allen hadn't had another break down since then. And with Christmas arriving, the Order seemed cheery and excited for the upcoming holiday. For Allen, it was also his birthday, or rather the day he had _truly _been given a life, given a life by Mana.

"Hey Allen, isn't Christmas your birthday, too?" Lavi inquired curiously while he, Lenalee, and Allen were walking down to breakfast, remembering Allen mentioning it once.

"Yeah!" Allen smiled, not even knowing himself if it was a real or fake smile. Continuing, he asked, "So…what's Christmas like here at Headquarters?" the white-haired teen turned to Lenalee, who seemed to be in a cheerful mood. Thinking for a quick minute, she ran her fingers through her short hair and then looked back at Allen.

"Hm…well, it's usually really exciting! We give presents, we have a grab-bag, everyone's happy…there's good food--"

"Good food? Yum, I'm ready for Christmas!" Allen grinned and the other two laughed. Smiling, laughing--was it all fake? He couldn't say himself. After the incident, he had been questioning his own attitude, not knowing what he really meant or what he had been faking anymore. Everything was unclear, it had all become a hazy mess. Still, Allen vowed to keep walking, keep walking until the day he died. He wouldn't give up so easily. _I have my friends to keep me going…they love me, they'll support me…and I'll do the same for them…and I've got to live for the akuma's sake as well…I'll keep walking for Mana, too…_As the three continued to walk, they asked eachother what they would like for Christmas, smiling the way down to the kitchen.

"Okay! I'm hungry…so…I'll order some Mitarashi dango, some Ishikari nabe, some Kiritampo(1)…" Allen's list went on and on as Lenalee and Lavi stared at eachother and sighed, knowing Allen's ridiculous eating habits returning back to their normal value was a sign of him being fine again. After the incident, he had started to eat less (still a lot, but less than he would usually eat) which worried both of them, but his revolting appetite had returned. As both of them asked for food when Allen was finished with his list, the three exorcists looked around to find a seat, and decided to sit near Kanda.

"Hello Yuu-chan!" Lavi sang as he took a seat next to Kanda, who was slowly and passionately eating his soba as if it were the last thing he would ever eat.

"Shut up stupid rabbit brat…" Kanda glared daggers at Lavi and Lenalee rolled her eyes.

"Geez, Kanda, you don't have to be so…scary…we're just trying to eat here." Allen looked for the right words, but they came out the wrong way.

"Shut up moyashi, or I'll slice you, too." The two glared at eachother.

"Guys, could you stop fighting?" Lenalee chimed in. Kanda returned to his soba with a 'che' and the other three continued to talk, waiting for their food. When it was ready, Allen came back with about 30 plates of food and viciously devoured them in a short amount of time. Lenalee had really taken a liking to Allen, but if there was one thing she could not stand, it was his repulsive eating habits…

Still, even though he appeared to be normal again, Lenalee had noticed the sighs in between his smiles. When he thought no one was looking, he would let go of his grin. She knew there was something wrong, and no matter how many times he would try to deny it, she saw through his mask. Ever since the ark incident, she had noticed how he'd like to be alone more. She'd often find him with Timcanpy when he thought no one was looking, asking "Is this path I follow my own…or was it chosen for me?" Lenalee saw it all; she had begun to notice Allen's change.

Lavi had noticed it a long time ago. It was easily recognizable to someone who was forced to wear a mask all the time, someone who was forced to throw away his heart for his title as Bookman. Lavi had seen through Allen all along, and he had often questioned what he was hiding behind that clownish innocence of his, or that fake smile he wore. Still, he did not understand what secrets Allen was hiding--what did his friend really think, what was he truly like?

After they had finished eating, Lavi claimed he had somewhere to go and Kanda had just gotten up and left, leaving Lenalee and Allen. The two began to walk back upstairs together, talking about anything they could think of. However, in the midst of their talking, Lenalee grabbed Allen's arm and brought him to a balcony outside, where the sun was shining down on the two, warming their bodies with its rays.

"Allen…I have something to ask you…" Lenalee looked serious now; her smile had disappeared.

"Wh-what is it all of a sudden?" Allen's face changed to a look of surprise, his silver eyes getting wider.

Lenalee paused a bit before, speaking, then continued, "…Are you sure you're okay?" She looked at him with a forlorn expression, her purple eyes missing their usual sparkle. Allen hated to see Lenalee upset, it just made him crushed on the inside. He looked down for a minute, not knowing how to respond. It was obvious all the strange things that had been happening were running through his mind and his past memories were haunting his thoughts at the ever-coming holiday that represented his birthday. As the two stood there in silence for a moment, Allen looked back up at Lenalee's face, spotting the concern in her face.

"I would be lying if I told you everything was fine…" Allen slightly smiled with a wisp of sadness in his expression. "It's just…everything that has happened lately has been really…difficult. Like the ark incident really made me question myself--why was I able to play the piano? Why was the musical score…something Mana and I…" Allen paused for a minute, not knowing if he should continue. He stopped, then walked over to the edge of the balcony, resting his hands on the ledge.

"You and Mana…?"

"Never mind…it's stupid, no one would ever believe anything I say anymore anyway…"

"Don't say that…If no one else will believe you, I will." Lenalee put her hand on Allen's shoulder, and in response his face turned a slight shade of pink. _I…have someone to count on. Someone who will always believe me, always understand both sides and see the shades of grey, not just the black and white…_

"Thank you Lenalee…but I'm not going to say anything just yet. It's still all confusing…but thanks for your concern." Allen let himself show another fake smile before the two decided to go back inside. _Still…even though she says she trusts me, I don't want to get her involved. I don't need to get other people into my mess, it's my own and I have to bear with it alone._ Allen let his stubborn mindset take over once again, the same idea that had gotten him smacked in the face by Lenalee long ago in his battle against Road. _When I asked why she stopped me, she said "Because we're friends." Is that not a reason that I should protect her from my world and my suffering? It's my road, and it's my cross to bear. I'm going to bear it alone, no matter what my friends say… _

_--_

(1) Okay, please tell me what he would usually order, cuz I don't know anything but Mitarashi dango!!

Sorry this chapter is considerably shorter and a lot crappier XD The next one will be better, I promise. I actually have ideas, this one was kind of just a filler chapter for the in between. You know, it'd be awkward to have two Allen-torture chapters in a row 0.o Ah, poor Allen. I abuse him far too much. Do you think they're all in character? I think Allen might be a little OOC, but the rest of them?


	3. I Hate Me More than Anyone

Speculum

Speculum

Summary: That mask he wears is just a way to hide who he really is. But in the mirror, in the speculum in the night, the savage underneath is revealed. All he wanted to know--who was he? Allen centric, chapter three up by request!!

**Chapter Three: I Hate me More than Anyone**

Okay...don't own, sorry I'm such a slow updater X.x I'll try to write more. It's hard to write these angsty chapters and relate them to one another. It starts out happy, but don't be fooled!

--

"Merry Christmas, Allen!" They were the first words Allen had heard upon leaving his room, only to find Lenalee near his room, almost as if she was waiting for him. She handed him a small present, which he put in his room and decided to open later. "And Allen...Happy Birthday, as well." Lenalee smiled as she looked at him, and Allen smiled back. _That _he knew was a real smile, because for Allen his birthday was the day his happiness began. The first day in his life he could live with joy, the first day he was accepted by anyone.

In his reminiscing, Lenalee and him walked down to breakfast together to find Kanda, as always, eating his early-morning soba. Breakfast passed, and nothing interesting happened, except for Kanda's claim to hate Christmas and Allen's utter surprise at that fact. Lenalee had known Kanda longer, so she knew he did not like it, but got him a present anyway. Later, Lavi finally got up, took a minute to marvel at his present from Lenalee, and ate a quick breakfast so he could join the other two, dragging Kanda along with him.

"Hey guys, you wanna go outside and have a snowball fight? Last night was the first snow of the year!" Lavi grinned, and Lenalee and Allen agreed. Kanda glared at Lavi for his childish idea, and Lavi poked him.

"But Yuu-chan, it's gonna be fun! Think about it, you'll have a chance to throw a snowball at me…and at Allen..." Lavi laughed, though he regret mentioning himself as a target.

"On second thought..." Kanda smirked quite unusually, an expression the group had never seen spread across his face. Kanda had seemed to enjoy the idea of throwing snow at Allen and Lavi so much he had _almost _forgotten to yell at Lavi for called him Yuu. "AND if you call me that again, I'll slice you in pieces and bury you under snow." Lavi backed up a little, then immediately dashed to the door, calling for the other three. Allen and Lenalee dashed over to him, and Kanda slowly walked over, sighing.

It had been about half and hour, and the exorcist's childish games had ceased and turned into a huge competition between Kanda and Allen. The two rapidly threw snowballs at eachother, neither one giving in. It was not until Lavi threw a snowball at both of their faces that they ended, and Lenalee, Lavi, and Allen all fell to the snow laughing. (Though Kanda preferred to remain standing, still angered and embarrassed by the fact that Lavi had managed to throw a snowball in his face.) _When we are all here..._Allen smiled, listening to Lavi tell a story. _It is so much fun. If I ever lost any of my friends, I would be crushed..._Allen sighed. As they sat in the snow for a little while longer, they enjoyed each other's company. The rest of the day seemed to pass quickly, only happiness and joy filling the hearts of the people in the Order. (With the exception of Kanda's grumpiness.)

It wasn't until late night that Allen thought back to that day, that Christmas years ago. It had been the best day in his life, the day Mana had given him a reason to live. He was not a monster to Mana, and his deformity did not matter to the traveling entertainer. Two outcasts, a lost child and a Pierrot; they came together on a Christmas day years ago. Allen smiled at the thought.

_Mana...Thank you..._Allen closed his eyes and lay down on the bed, letting that day come back to him. While at first only the good thoughts came back to him, he slightly flinched when he remembered life _before _Mana. _That had to be hell on earth._

There had been many cold nights where a child just sat there on the sidewalk, going unnoticed by anyone. Or rather, being ignored by everyone. It's not that it was an empty street, people just did not bother to look his way, and those who did screamed at the sight of his deformed, blood red arm and ran the other way. No one would turn to him with a kind face, just with a look of scorn or horror. No one could ever love a child like him.

A thin child with chocolate brown hair and matching eyes sat there, staring into the distance with an empty soul. The days were rarely different, except for the days the drunken men would approach him. _Those _were the days he hated the most. They'd torture and abuse him in a half-conscious haze, then just leave him there. Then there were the days where they took him. They would have their _fun_, and then throw him back in the alley. The child hated everything about their world; there was no sympathy for a worthless child like him.

He was a child without a name, abandoned by his parents. He did not know love and he had no understanding of the meaning compassion. The only emotions he saw were hate, anger, bitterness, and loneliness. He shut himself away from others, shunning the world. If anyone approached him, they were sure to scream, or just hurt him instead. Still, his will to live never died. He would struggle to survive through the seasons, through the harsh climates and through the pain.

_But of course_, even before he had been thrown on the streets, he remembered his mother. He was young. He was abandoned when he was three, and he still remembered her. She did not pay attention to him, nor did she care for him. He was just another object in her collection of things to be thrown away. The only time he got any attention was the night she abandoned him.

The child's mother brought him on a coach, traveling far away. She sang a sweet lullaby the whole time, telling him everything would be fine.

_Never-ending, through the light_

_The nightingale sings among the night_

_Serenading gently in its flight_

_It whistles, "Hush little baby, it'll be alright."_

It was not all right. Nothing was all right, nothing would be the same; because the moment she got out of the coach, she stopped singing. She told the rider of the coach to wait a bit, and then walked out a little.

"I'll be back." She told him, a sinister smile spreading across her face. Then she got back on the coach and drove away, leaving the tiny child on the side of the street.

_It was not all right.  
_

As this memory flowed back into Allen's mind, he felt tears stream down his cheek. "Damn you...you threw me away, you abandoned me like that..." Allen gritted his teeth and wiped his tears. "I hate you...I hate you more than anyone..." The exorcist looked out the window, to see the snow falling. _That snow...that snow I had to face the winter before Mana found me..._he felt the tears return, slowly trickling down the side of his face.

"You were never good enough for anyone."

It was that voice. The voice in Allen's head, the voice that had caused the last incident.

"Nobody wanted you. You were **useless, pitiful, and weak."**

"SHUT UP!" Allen yelled. He did not want to listen to that voice again, and he had no need to hear the words it told him. _Even if it was the truth._

"Aww, are you gonna cry about it? You are still weak, you don't even know yourself." The voice echoed the room as Allen was silent for a minute. He did not know how to respond. He really _didn't _know himself.

"I…" Allen began, having nothing to say.

"You are useless. Nobody needs you, nobody ever did. Nobody ever wanted you." At this, Allen's eyes widened. He _knew _that could not be true. He refused to believe it.

"Mana…Mana wanted me! When no one else looked at me…he took me in…" Allen's tears kept falling, not knowing why he was crying while talking to himself. It had become a habit now, he had probably gone crazy, but Allen would often talk to himself. He noticed that every time the voice accused him of something, it would go back to Mana. _Mana…did you love me? Mana…_

"Ha, you can go own telling yourself that. Everyone had their reasons, and it sure was not love. Nobody _actually _loved you." The voice rang through his head, loud and clear.

"You-You're wrong…" Allen could feel himself shaking, while he hugged his knees to his chest.

"Your own mother abandoned you. Who loves a child more than its mother?"

Leaving the internal fight there, letting those last words linger, Allen just sobbed, letting small teardrops drip down his cheeks as the moon shone down on his face. _Your own mother abandoned you. She did not love you._

_You're right._

_Did I say I hate her more than anyone?_

_I lied._

_I hate __**me **__more than anyone._

--

This one's a little longer than the last chapter (I think...or it seems longer XD I know its less words but that's probably because of the long disclaimer/author notes on the last one.), and was a lot of fun to write. So…review plz, comment and critique is welcome 3 Eww, it's sick to think people would do these things to a child…but very good for stories, indeed.


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